MacKenzie takes an approach different
than that of Forehand and Long. Although many of the lying
principles are the same between these experts, MacKenzie rather
focuses upon firmly setting limits on strong-willed children. His main objective is help
parents to establish a ‘fit’ between the child’s actual behavior and
parents’ realistic expectations of the child’s behaviors. Since the child’s
temperament is immutable, parents can change their own temperaments
and guidance methods to effectively handle the strong-willed child
(23-25). He strongly advices parents
to avoid ‘permissive’ and ‘punitive’ methods since these methods
will not be effective on strong-willed children (43-67). He justifies that with the
punitive approach (parents being firm, but not respectful), parents
may have to assume the roles of “police detective, judge, jailer,
referee, and probation officer” (45). As a result, this approach
“doesn’t teach positive lessons about responsibility, problem
solving, or respectful communication” (50), MacKenzie says. Similarly, he shows that
parents who use the permissive approach (parents being respectful,
but not being firm) “constantly shift gear and use verbal tactics to
convince and persuade children to cooperate” (55). As a matter of fact, a
research (qtd. in Shute 2008) since the 1960s has found that
permissive parents tend to have children with problems in schools
and drugs and alcohol abuse dilemmas as teenagers. Similarly, another research
performed by Jean Twenge, an associate professor of psychology at
San Diego
State University, reports that
today’s children and teenagers display more symptoms of depression
and anxiety than those children of earlier generations. Consequently, MacKenzie
explains, the strong-willed child sees this permissive parenting
style as an opportunity to “tune out, ignore, challenge, defy,
argue, debate, dawdle, procrastinate, or just digging [his/her]
heels and push for the walls” (55). Instead of these parenting
styles, MacKenzie insists that parents should maintain an approach
that balances between firmness and respect (68-74). He names this approach a
‘democratic approach’ that is “a win-win method of problem solving
that combines firmness with respect and accomplishes all of
[parents’] basic training goals” (68).
Moreover, MacKenzie argues that
discipline is different from punishment (47). He claims that punishment
“doesn’t teach positive lessons about responsibility, problem
solving, or respectful communication” (47). He, Bailey (2004), and
Robert Hendren, a professor of psychiatry at the Medical
Investigation of Neurodevelopmental Disorders Institute at the
University of California-Davis and president of the American Academy
of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (qtd. in Shute 2008), assert that
parents can effectively communicate their expectations by using a
message that is directed toward the child’s behavior and is in a
calm manner, clear, firm, specific, and direct, followed by
consequences for noncompliance (131-138).
Other suggested parental tools by
MacKenzie include taking a cool down period as both parents and
child are in fiery arguments, offering limited choices when the
strong-willed child challenges parents’ rules, using a timer when
the challenging kid dawdles, and avoiding to be drawn into arguments
and discussions (139-160).
He also advices parents to enforce rules by applying
immediate, consistent, logically related, and proportional
consequences followed by a clean slate and forgiveness
(164-170). To
effectively execute the consequences, he recommends parents to use
natural consequences (letting children experience the consequences
of their own actions) when children lose an item due to
carelessness, habitually forget their own tasks, dawdle and
procrastinate (172-175).
He also suggests parents to repeatedly use logical
consequences when children make a mess, fail to put away toys,
destroy items, abuse privileges, fail to complete chores, whine or
nag, or hurt others (177-184).
All of these advices from MacKenzie are also shared by Bailey
(2005) who adds that these techniques are more appropriate for
school-age children.
MacKenzie
and Bailey (2005) also tells parents to motivate and teach the
strong-willed child to be cooperative and obedient by using positive
messages, exploring choices, and role-modeling corrective behavior
since “limits alone may not be enough to motivate strong-willed
children to head in the intended direction” (MacKenzie
207-216). In addition,
MacKenzie urges parents to encourage better behavior and
independence so that there is likelihood that the child’s
cooperation will continue (217-219). Besides agreeing with
MacKenzie on using positive language to teach child to be
independent, Bailey (2004) offers more discipline tips for parents
with preschoolers. She
says parents should provide a safe environment for the “active and
busy” preschooler to explore his or her surroundings, limit
stimulations such as television, games, and toys so that the child
does not throw tantrums, and establish a daily routine so that
preschoolers can “gauge
time”.
